Sylvia Wynter's Dream

Before we get into the heaviness of this topic, here are three articles that can help guide your understanding of what I will be talking about with death and its relation to grief:

https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/how-to-deal-with-grief

https://newsinhealth.nih.gov/2017/10/coping-grief

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/ambigamy/201404/psychological-crutches-ten-myths-and-three-tips

Here is my story:

I owned a gold ring with a simple floral design on the face and never took it off to the point that it even left an indentation on my finger. In my sleep, I would toss and roll, plagued by bad thoughts and nightmares. One night, without me noticing, the ring fell off my finger and onto the floor under my bed. I have been unable to find it ever since. It was my mother’s ring. She never wore it often, so I am willing to bet it was not her favourite but yet, I somehow felt connected to it. I felt through it I was still close to her, so I took it and wore it proudly every day. On May 25, 2023, I lost her. My best friend, my confidante, the only one who could make the world make sense. A harrowing series of calls from the doctor began the descent of my life. I know I will never forget the day; it will stay with me forever and the worst of it is what she left behind. Her clothes, her jewellery, her phone with the storage so full of all the pictures she was obsessed with taking and much more. Everything that she wore with flourish and grace, things that she bought with her hard-earned money, some that even still had her signature perfume all over it now goes to me. Every decision she could no longer make for herself, I had to, as her next of kin – as her daughter.

Being twenty and having to deal with funeral arrangements for your mother is like it was its own form of cruel punishment. I twisted that ring on my finger and it gave some relief. It felt as if she was still here with me but my heart, feels like it will be forever broken. For a while, I could not remember the memories that we shared, I couldn’t even remember the way she looked when she was happy and healthy. The image of her in that hospital bed was engrained into my subconscious and took over but once that ring was lost, it triggered something inside of me and it was like I could almost hear her cursing me for being so irresponsible and losing her ring. It’s like I could see her smile, I could hear her laugh, I felt her hug and the cheek kiss she would give me whenever she dropped me back on UWI’s campus after I would go home for the weekend to spend time with her. Everything came flooding back and I broke down in my dorm room, away from my other family members, away from my friends, all alone. That ring was my crutch, something to stabilize me, something to give me strength but honestly maybe it was good that I lost it because sometimes the best thing to do is cry and though the tears might have stopped falling, I still carry its weight. Everyone deals with grief differently, I don’t even know if I have started but by some miracle, I am still standing.

The YouTube video below greatly summarizes my thoughts on death and the grief process.