Sylvia Wynter's Dream

by jessiemayers | Class Blog 2 | Write about a loss you’ve experienced

“…all i can remember is

my memory

loss.”

One night my parents almost ripped me apart after a cricket game. They tugged my arms in opposite directions as they went their separate ways.
In a way, they did take the two halves of myself with them.

My mother and father split up when I was five years old. I can’t remember anything positive about them being together, not because good moments didn’t exist but because these memories are lost in a deep recess of my brain that I can’t get to. 

It was during the ICC Cricket World Cup in 2007. I think I sat in the stands between my mommy and daddy. Everyone’s attention was captivated by the game. But for me, I was happy to be with my parents. In my head, they were together, and we were a family again. The energy from the crowd was electric; the lights in the stand cast a yellow glow over everything, and bellows of conch shells beat in my chest. I could touch the air, and I moulded this moment against the contours of my brain. 

Sadly, this “memory” is made up (maybe). I wanted to weave a fantasy that was better than my lived experience. This illusion lasted only as long as that cricket match.

The rip in my memory left a void that I’ve struggled to fill to this day.

My parents used to hug and kiss each other, go on dates, and laugh.
At least, I think they did. They must have! I dig into my brain to find one sliver of memory where they looked at each other affectionately, held hands, or shared a meal.

[P]ersistent recall of negative memories might be an evolutionary defence mechanism, but it can also lead to psychological impediments, like depression or anxiety.

From an article by Columbia University

The cricket match is over now. It’s been over for 18 years. I ponder how deeply my parents’ split impacted who I am. Does my lack of good memories make me somewhat pessimistic?

I think back to the melancholy of my childhood following the split and my struggle with depression in my late teens. I know the toxic parts of their relationship have influenced my own interactions and bonds on a subliminal level. It frustrates me that something that wasn’t my fault can have such a great impact on my life.

I have a feeling there are even more memories and experiences that I’ve lost over the years. It’s as if my parents split cemented this amnestic state as my brain’s default.

Maybe if I try to remember something good about my parents, I can switch the narrative of my life to be more positive.

But I don’t remember anything…

…all I can remember is my memory loss.